“The universe that surrounds us is vast, and we are so very small.”
We had to talk about marital law today.
We had to talk about our definitions of happiness, living successfully, making choices.
You want me to lock the door. You want me to use a coaster. You want me to be sillier and have more superficial conversations, which to me translates that you want me to have more joy.
I want you to be honest. I want you to be better for you. I want you to figure yourself out. I want no secrets between us. I want you to learn how to be patient at night. I want you to communicate with me no matter how hard it is. I want family time to be a priority, including vacation. I want you to cook with me even if you feel like you cannot do it. I want to face these huge burdens of dysfunctional family together. I want to be active together, I want to keep doing races and keep each other accountable even if I will never be as good as you. I want to be treated with kindness and respect.
I don’t want to be so disappointed by you again.
I realized that I regretted hooking my life to yours for life/no take-backs without vetting you more carefully. I thought you were better than this. I thought that making the conditions ideal between us could only lead to something good and whole between us. I thought that respecting your privacy that you so fiercely insisted upon was my weakness. But apparently, it was yours. And apparently my faith in you wasn’t enough.
Instead, it was not talking, hiding in secrecy, lies, blame, misunderstanding, bullying, and frustration.
Where do we go from here?